This is something I wrote a couple of weeks ago but decided not to post because by the time I finished writing it I realized that I was three things: Catty AND Hypocritical AND Two Faced.

I told Gator and LBC about it and my discovery amused Gator and got a bark of laughter and a "Your just now realizing this!?" look from LBC.

So here it is:

Catty

At what age do women outgrow cattiness? Am I even spelling that right? Double T's or Double D's? Bet I get some blog hits from pervs looking for internet kicks. Sorry, guys.

What were we talking about? Oh, yeah - the evilness of the female species. I'm not saying I'm not clumped into that group but mostly I reserve harsh judgment for private conversations when the victim isn't around. So what if that makes me two-faced. What are we - in high school?

By the time we reach adulthood don't we know enough about life to know we shouldn't exhibit bitchery about others? Don't we know the snide remarks in high school that might have caused tears could now lead to you being come at like a spider monkey? Is it still cool to be a spiteful bitch?

Gator knows what I am talking about...a specific catty comment that pissed someone off. Another off the radar work reference...

...are we ever confident enough in ourselves that we cease to say things that bring others down? Is it a necessity to tear into someone else so we can build ourselves up? Is this the female equivalent of a man's penal extender?

Who isn't a people watcher? I am for sure. I make fun of people all the time. And I don't even feel bad about it. However, I feel horrible when I hear someone else berating and generally beating someone down.

Great. Now I'm a hypocritical two-faced B.

Example.

In high school, there was a boy I'd known my entire life that had the misfortune to live in the really poor area of town and didn't have nice clothes. Before high school, this never bothered me. Because you're more immune to differences when your younger. In high school life revolves around how popular you can be - shallow but a fact of most of our lives. We want to be included, to feel like we are part of something especially between 14 and 17.

Since we were kids, other kids had singled him out. Like a leper. They made fun of him. Tripped him. Bullied him. Every day of his life. And every day I sat there and listened to it, watched it happen, and didn't do a damn thing about it. And every day I would walk with him, after school when no one would see, and I was his friend. I had the nerve to think of him as my friend. I can only imagine how much he really hated me.

The funny thing is that I realized how intelligent he was, how funny he was, how sweet he was when long time crush K asked B out instead of me. I knew he was a great guy, a perfect guy, really. Probably this guy would have made a terrific boyfriend but I was more worried about what other people would think, what they would say if i dated someone that didn't meet a certain standard. God, I was a coward.

What would that have cost me? Some friendships that didn't last past high school anyway? Big deal. Instead of taking a chance on a boy that loved me, I took a chance on a boy that pushed me around and sacrificed my virginity to a boy that is probably now either in prison or changing oil at a jiffy lube (not that there is anything wrong with that, I'm just saying what's cool at 17 isn't always so cool when you reach maturity).

Are you keeping count? I am now: a two-faced hypocritical coward.

****

So, you can see the reason I didn't post this originally was because I had to re-evaluate myself. I thought I'd done quite a bit of this last summer when a lifelong friendship ended because I could no longer tolerate her catty ways. Obviously, I was blind to my own faults as well.

So much for being perfect...